What a day...

Today is one of those days I am grateful for my friends who just pop in to see how Im doing.  I am bad at reaching out to people when I need help or direction and I love when those know when I am lying about my "oh! Im fine." and just help me vent.   Its been a rough day and perhaps its an emotional part of the month for me but I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed and a bit confused on what direction to take.  Sigh.  Its one of those days that you want to look back at yourself 15 years from now and scream...what did you EVER have to  be stressed over? Being an adult is hard! lol. And it is.  Anyways, in other news, I have a 5K run this weekend that I am really excited about. Its called the RIDICULOUS RUN and while its been a very long time since my last 5K, Im up for it. lol. Going with a fun group of girls and I think just being out will be super  therapeutic. I wish my hubs could come but unfortunately, he has to work. But he has really stepped up to the plate these last 3 weeks and I honestly couldn't ask for a better partner in life.

Changes...

OH man. Its been FOREVER since I wrote in this blog. So many changes have happened and are continuing to happen! I am so grateful at the place God has taken my family and myself personally. I am a little pressed for time, but I just felt the need to put some things down on paper.  Or on computer. Whatever. LOL. But this past year, I've been praying a lot about revealing the heart of people near to me and also to steer me in the direction of people who are for my family and growth and away from those who are pretty much just out for elevating themselves at the cost of others.  Away from those who pray for others as long as they stay a notch above their notch.  I've seen some who can't praise the advancement of someone else because either they felt they were undeserving (as though someone has the gall to judge the blessings of others) or because they are downright jealous.  I've been blessed to have rekindled several damaged friendships and had wonderful creations of others. I've kept a lot more of myself private and a lot of developments private. I'm learning lessons of humbleness and fighting against pride or boastfulness.  Its not an attractive quality and even if it can unintentional, sometimes its just best to celebrate victories in a very small circle of trustworthy people and not with the world. I've lost someone special this year. The death of my best friend's father, whom was a  better father to me for over 18 years than my own father was really hard on me. Extremely hard.  I am grateful for the friends I can lean on and speak to about it.  I am so grateful for the love of others because in the end, to pass in a circle of genuine love is what matters.  Just a lot of revelations. A lot of shielding. A lot of protecting. A lot of cultivating. A lot of growth. A lot of gratefulness. A LOT of stress. lol. Anxiety has never been a stranger to me. Ever. But I have been doing my best to control it. Sometimes failing miserably. sometimes successfully. My son is still beyond incredible. I am forever grateful for my sweet boy. My special gift. He has so many wonderful talents, and every single day with him is such a gift. He is destined to do great things. I know it in my heart. And its our job as parents to protect his as well. Anyways, I got to get moving soon, but just a tiny intro to the progression of my life and I will be getting more specific when I have a little more time to write. But just know God has been SOO good and so faithful! We have a lot of exciting things in rotation but with that being said, I am in current prayer about several other things weighing on my heart so please pray about that!

Its been forever...and not a weight post.

I am beyond pissed. I honestly can't believe my frickin class. After dealing with all the damn bullshit I've had to deal with these past two years, I get this bullshit. It honestly makes me want to go into a complete fuckin fit right now. Im angry. Very angry. And I understand that I am a sore loser. I know this about myself. Yes, I do. And I also know that none of you know what the hell Im venting about right now, and I apologize because I dont even feel like going into it completely. I just need to get the words from my head out on paper. Its just a lesson about unappreciative people. And I saw the smug ass faces on some of their faces. And no it doesn't matter how close I came. I AM PISSED. And the assholes I can't stand had their sweet little redemption I suppose. Fuck em. Fuck them all. I am tired of even trying with them quite honestly and I hope its shot to hell. you honestly think SHE will be able to pull it off. Good fucking luck. And don't come to me and ask for any help. Im checking the fuck out. Im doing my best with a game face but I honestly want to leave right now. And yes, I want to walk out of class right now, and yes I am aware that I may be overreacting a bit but Im a sore ass loser and I am angry.

Okay, Im finally calming down a little...

 And now Im just sad...

Bitchy things people say....

"OMG! Yeah girl, you see these pants...they are big and they are a size 4. I can't afford to lose any more weight. I use to be super thick, like you. Like super thick."


Thanks bitch.

Weigh in After two weeks...

Hello All-

So I had my weigh in today. I took off last week because the week before was Thanksgiving and I was just enjoying stuffing my face in Savannah a little too much. So, I got back on track, weighed in and... I am at 184.6. I have lost EXACTLY 30 lbs today. Wow. Im proud of myself. I just can't believe I've made it this far. Ive NEVER made it this far. I've started and stopped diets for literally over ten years. I've never been able to truly be successful. And Im doing it right now. I am not sure what is different this time around, I am not sure if I just stopped with the excuses and embraced that this journey will be hard. I take my current success hugely due to weight watchers. I've shared this before I believe, but when I was in high school, I had an eating disorder.  Eating disorders run in my family due to the negative body image that many of the women in my family instilled. My grandmother would call someone fat in 2.2 seconds. She did it to my mom for years and she grew up with bouts of not eating. My sister was bulimic. My cousin who was a tennis star in Guyana and earned a scholarship to Georgia State was also a full blown bulimic. I personally suffered from Anorexia and would try and eat below 300 calories a day. I counted calories psychotically my senior year of high school, pretty much until my second year in college. I am definitely removed from that former life, however, I do my best to stay mentally healthy now while I go on this journey of weight loss. I love weight watchers because I get away from the trigger of counting calories. I get to count points. And points are so much friendlier than calories in my opinion :). I also do not keep a scale in my home. I purposely chose to go elsewhere to weigh. I use to weigh in the mornings, after having a laxative, after running 5 miles, after dinner. Just constantly weighing! I don't want to go back to that. I don't want my home to be a torturous weight place. And lastly I don't weigh in if I don't feel comfortable doing so. Despite being away from the eating disordered world, the mentality can linger a little bit. If I gain a week, I feel REALLY bummed. I don't stop eating like I did before, but I just feel really down on myself. My emotions can be linked to the number on the scale and I know that. And the guilt and the replaying what I did wrong that week, goes on in my head. I didn't weigh in on Thanksgiving because I REALLY enjoyed my time with my mom that week. I enjoyed eating french toast, biscuits, sausage, eggs, and hashbrowns for breakfast. I loved eating a massive slice of sweet potato pecan pie with ice cream on top with my mom after dinner. I loved fixing my plate with whatever I wanted. And I didn't want to weigh and regret any decision or part of the week that was so beautiful. I wont let myself get to that place. I just got back on the wagon and kept moving. And it paid off. My next big event is a Christmas party December 15 with my hubby and friend Danielle. And my hubby and I are taking it as a staycation opportunity. We will wake up the next day and eat a delicious gluttonous breakfast.  And I will enjoy every moment :). Will I weigh in the next Tuesday... ehh, maybe, maybe not. But Im not going to stress about it. I am going to enjoy life. I want to enjoy every moment of this beautiful blessed life.  Until the 15th, i will be working hard in the gym. Working hard so i can play hard. My goal for the party is 182 lbs. I think I am going to reach my goal :). I can't believe I am 4.6 lbs away from the 70s. WOW. 179 is my goal for New Years Eve. LETS GET IT!!!

Just an update

Heeeeyyyyy!

So clearly, my nursing school, work, mommy, wife, and gym schedule has left little time for me to blog but I will do a quick catch up of my life. lol. Thanksgiving, TWO THUMBS UP! Man I love my Mom. It was so awesome heading down to Savannah to spend time with her. Everytime I go, it makes me want to take another trip down as soon as possible. The great part is that in less than a month, she will be up for Christmas and Jonathan will get to have more time with his Gramma. Speaking of my little man Jonathan, he is just awesome. I can't get over how much I love that kid. He is amazing. Honestly and truly, just a complete joy of a son. I love him so much and as he grows, he is just becoming more and more funny and full of life. He definitely has his mommys stubborness, but he is truly a good kid. Truly truly a great kid, and he is my pride and joy. My hubs... just my whole heart. I don't talk about him often because this journal is mostly about me and my weight struggles, but the way that man loves me. You know, I feel bad when people are all like "ooh! Marriage is WORK! It is HARD!" ...because I know it takes works I suppose but... well, ours is just so easy. Now keep in mind we only have been married for 3.5 years so I know we have many many years of trials and tribulations that will test us, but right now, God has been so good to us.I mean, we just love eachother, and that love makes things easy. It just really does. It is so easy to love that man. And he tells me every single day how he feels about me. Every. Single. Day. And as I lose weight and I start loving MYSELF, its easier to love him more. We were just talking about that in the kitchen yesterday. He was talking about how proud he is of me and my weight loss and how I've truly been kicking butt and have this determination. I was telling him how I am working hard to be that hot milf/trophy wife for him and he took my face in his hands and said, "you have ALWAYS been that. I've ALWAYS thought you were the most beautiful woman in this world, so you lose this weight for you. Not me. I love you losing this weight because of how YOU are feeling. The glow and confidence you now have, but other than that, you have always been gorgeous in my eyes." Um yea...you already know he got some for that. lol. But I just love him for supporting me and while I still have so much more progress to make, Im working at it.

So speaking of progress, I have no idea what my weight is right now. I weighed tuesday before Thanksgiving and I was still at 188. I won't lie, I was a little pissed but I didn't do the best i could in food or exercise I suppose. I refused to weigh in yesterday because quite frankly, I stuffed my flippin face while down at my moms and just needed a week off. SO since Sunday, I have been in BEAST MODE. Really working hard. It could also have something to do with the fact I went dress shopping for a Christmas Party my friend Danielle and I are going to with our hubbies December 15th (YAY) and I picked out a dress that was TIGGHHTT! Now, I did go up a size to accommodate for my massive boobs, but if I gain weight and the fit is off, I will look less on the classier side. The dress is great though, length is at the knees and its definitely glitzy for the holiday. I just want to look my best in it. Especially since it is my only option dress. I found nothing else I really loved when i went shopping and I just got annoyed. So I am hoping when it comes in this week, it looks as good as I imagined in my head. I REALLY hope so. So the dress will be in today. We shall see if it fits okay!
I have been getting several compliments lately that people are FINALLY noticing I lost weight! I had three compliments this morning alone and several yesterday in class. I will say that I have changed my routine these last two weeks. I had only been running on the treadmill but knowing I need to push and challenge myself for more weight loss, I've finally added weight training to my workout. Shouldve done it a long time ago, but I will admit i was lazy. So anyways, my arms are actually getting smaller and my butt and legs are toning up, although I will say running got my butt back to sitting higher up! My hubs can't keep his hands off of it. I really can't wait be in the 30 lb loss number. I know I am close and that is my goal for this Tuesday. I REALLY would LOVE to see that scale say 184. OH MAN... it makes me salivate just looking at that number. I know it requires me to remain disciplined this week. i KNOW that. I have a weekend full of temptations. I have a favorite things party on friday which I just found out will have delectable pizza and cheesecake bites. Then I have a LONG ASS clinical day on Saturday with my biggest temptation ever... don't laugh but... SALTINE FRICKIN CRACKERS!!! OMMMMGGG!!!!! And these damn saltines are DELICIOUS. I mean, I don't know if they put a little extra salt or what on it but I GO TO TOWN. And it bloats me up and I know it isnt smart, but I just can't help myself sometimes. I get crazy over it... sigh. so yeah, saltines is my nemesis. Anyways, Tuesday is my weigh in. I will post my progress then. Hopefully I will see my 184. that is what I am aiming and working so hard for. thirty lbs... 30. POUNDS...

Excuses...