I am down...

I am down. But this week, I don't mean my mood... I MEAN MY WEIGHT!! I AM DOWN!!!!!! WAHOOO!!!!!! I weighed in this morning (changed my weigh in day to Wednesday) and I am down 2.8 lbs, for a total loss of 17.6 lbs. I've lost 17.6 lbs. Wow. That feels really awesome to say. I can't wait until I can say 30 lbs or 40 lbs, but right now, 17.6 lbs really feels good. For the last two weeks, I haven't tracked anything. I have kept up my SmartOnes lunches and pretty much have the same exact breakfast every fricking day, a Kashi cereal bar and a banana. But since I gained that pound two weeks ago and started to feel bummed about it, I just kind of ate a little bit more freely. Like I stated before, I've been eating white rice. Basmati white rice to be exact. It was one of my big middle finger up to my weight gain two weeks ago. I didn't want to screw up royally and go through the drive thru, but I wanted to indulge. I decided I'm eating my damn white rice. And oh man... it was sooo good. Even in my revolt, I made sure to portion out everything. One cup, nothing more. I also had pizza this weekend. So anyway, Im on a new kick, I have a new found motivation but now I am not going to be as psycho. I am going to be healthy and disciplined. I am only 2.4 lbs from 20 lbs loss!! I CAN DO THIS!!!

Um...Hi... I'm back :)

Soooo its been a long time since my last breakdown post from the day I went AWOL because I gained one pound for the week. Since then I have been downing about a bag of cough drops every other day, drinking Nyquil by the bottle, and not working out at all. I was SICK! I mean run me over, I may have pneumonia SICK! And honestly I do feel as though I had either walking pneumonia or a bronchitis because that cough was just ridiculous. But I was too stressed and busy to go to the damn doctor and too behind work to take off. So I went, despite people looking at me like I had the plague. But like I said, I didn't work out. Honestly, I dind't work out for almost two weeks. yes, that bad and that sad. And it wasn't just because I was sick, I was just tired. and overwhelmed. And I hated I started to get psycho with my weight loss again. I hated that I hated myself for gaining that one pound. Not hated, but was very disappointed. So I took a break. No, I didn't eat whatever I wanted, for the most part kept it healthy except for one eff it moment I had at the county fair last Sunday. Yeah. bad. BUT that was my only REAL slip up. I stayed pretty much on my diet, just not as disciplined as before. I had *gasp* white rice for dinner more than once. In fact, I'm having it again tonight with baked chicken and spinach. And yes, i am measuring my portion out to ensure I am having a serving. But I am living a little. And truth is, I feel like I'm actually a bit smaller. Now, I don't KNOW because I refused to weigh in this week. Nervous of what the scale said, i just didn't do it. The fact was, i started to FEEL better. I started to think I actually LOOKED better, and I even thought some of my clothes were ACTUALLY  LOOSER than before. And I didn't want the scale to dictate what I felt about myself this week. Yes, I will weigh in next Wednesday, but this week, i was feeling GOOD about myself. Really liking how I was looking. And feeling more confident. But that isn't an excuse to get lazy and today I went for a great workout with my partner in crime Danielle. I love how we motivate eachother to be our best. We did 2.25 miles and it felt great. It was horrific but great. I cursed several times along the course, but I felt proud to get back out there again. I will be back on the weight loss wagon. I hope my couple weeks off didn't cause too much damage. If I see a 2 in front of that scale, I will be devastated. But today I am happy with me. I am happy that I went to target today and got Medium workout pants. Of course they are workout pants so they have stretch but still, they are super comfortable and I love that little M. My top is an XL but hey, we are working on that :). I have so much catching up to do blog-wise. Sorry I went AWOL and totally abandoned my weightloss blogger friends. But Im back. And Im ready :)

Im up

I am up a lb. I want to cry. Like seriously cry. Its disappointing. Very disappointing. I hate my mood being equated by the scale.  But it is and I'm upset.

Tired doesn't even BEGIN to explain my current status

Oh man, what a day. Last night, Jonathan was hit by an UGLY stomach virus. He was vomiting every couple of hours and it was heinous. On about three hours of sleep, I had to go to my clinical this morning and I was DRAGGING. Thank GOODNESS I find Women's Health interesting. Felt my first uterus and got to see adorable little babies. Also saw where they do circumcisions. Man...its barbaric. My son has one and if I had another boy, Id want him to be circumcised too but sheesh, I wish there was an easier way. Anyways, my son is appearing to be feeling better even though he is still refusing to eat ANYTHING. I can't handle another night like last night so i am REALLY hoping this virus has run its course. With that being said, I am sick. Coughing up a lung sick. I just want to lie in bed and hibernate until tomorrow. I will gladly take a shot of Nyquil and call it in VERY early.

Survived a day of Bagel temptation today. Someone brought Einstein bagels and cream cheese to the nursing   station. I swear, before my diet, I've never had so much opportunity for free food. Now that I am restricting EVERYONE in my universe is more than generous fatty yumminess. Working on the floor so early truly makes you hungry. I brought an extr snack and made it until lunch.  Yesterday I did pretty well. I made a chicken fried quinoa. It was alright, I did my own recipe and so next time I will follow the one on Skinnytaste. But it was low in points and filling. I'm extremely nervous about weigh in tomorrow. I'm debating whether or not to even go. I haven't worked out since Friday and last week I only did three weeks. I usually do low carb dinners at least twice a week, not this week. And I definitely took in more calories as a whole. The math just isn't looking well for my side and I'm very nervous. If I am in the 200s I will be extremely disappointed in myself. Guess we will see, wont we...

No good day...

Not much to say today. Diet was good. Bombed my effin Pediatric test. First one and I failed it with a 72. Passing is 75. I want to cry. Bawl actually. Jonathan was acting sick. Took him to the doc, he isn't REALLY sick. Allergies, maybe virus. Which I think the doctor was giving me as a code for, nothing. especially since he went in like he was the healthiest most active child in the world when at the house he was a hot mess. Sigh. Anyways, diet was good. Stayed on target for the most part. No low carb dinner. I am not feeling good about my weigh in Tuesday. Im just pissy all around. Anyway, got to wake up in 6 hours for my clinicals. Goody.

Jennifer- 1 Temptation- 0

Oh yeahhhhhh! Survived a huge birthday party for a one year old today. The party of course was great but the food is something that always has me a bit worried. I made the conscious choice of eating prior to getting to the party. I literally popped a SmartOnes in the microwave and travelled down the road making sure it was completely devoured before I stepped foot into the house. Doing that helped me survive the most delicious looking macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, chicken nuggets, and CUPCAKES GALORE! I had... NOT ONE BITE. Of anything. I made sure to feed my son and just keep my mouth shut. I raced home in order to have some of my delicious dinner from last night, Red Thai Coconut Curry Shrimp and Quinoa. For those of you who have not looked on the website, Skinnytaste.com  GO NOW. Like RIGHT NOW!!! I'll wait... because seriously, everything Ive eaten from that site has been absolutely delicious and I think its one of the very few reasons for my dieting success thus far. 

Anyways, I have so much studying to do tonight its ridiculous. Like seriously ridiculous. I am praying I can pull this test off tomorrow. Sigh. MAKE HEALTHY CHOICES EVERYONE! I know the weekend is the time that its sooo easy to falter, but don't let yourself. Keep your eyes on the prize :)

Cursed through every step of my 2 mile cardio

But I did it

Jumping back on the bandwagon

First of all,  I just want to say how grateful I am to have a support system. I honestly feel if I didn't have this blog, my emergency text weight loss sponsors Shanna and Danielle, FB Group Mama Laughlin, and my incredible family, it would be easy to fail. With all those people holding me accountable and helping me along the way, it makes things so much easier. Well, not easier, but it makes it harder to quit. Harder to let go. With school in full force, Im just beyond stressed. OB and Pediatrics are kicking my ass. And I use to stress eat during school. Now I don't have that and its making me freak a little bit. I need to go to the gym instead and really do things that uplift me and not use food as a crutch. I am so motivated by so many people who have lost the weight. And I know with everyone who has lost weight, they had weeks like I am having. Good weeks, bad weeks. Weeks they feel like giving the hell up. But I can't. i won't. I need to take it day by day and just really celebrate my accomplishments.

Anyways, yesterday, even with the rice cake binge, I was two points under. I ended up having a SmartOnes for dinner again too, SO I am probably retaining and insane amount of water right now. I need to get some of that natural tea I spoke about in the previous post to help alleviate that. I am going to work out today before studying and be as productive as possible. Here is my food journal:

It is happening...

I am getting stressed and frustrated and losing my mojo. Actually, its my frustration at losing only 1.8 lbs. This happens to me in my prior diets. I work and work and work and then I get a loss I am not happy with. Then I want to say well F*(k IT!! and I am trying not to be that way. in fact, most of my indulgences are with healthy food but its not in the plan. And if I am in the twos next week, I know I will be devastated that I allowed myself to slip back down. I need to get myself together and stop sabotaging myself. sigh.

 Just had to vent.

Confession time

So its Thursday and I only worked out once this week. Tuesday and Wednesday was a shot day. I was helping out a friend on Tuesday night and then on Wednesday after my psychiatric clinicals, I was just too tired. Uber tired. And feeling lazy. I didnt even blog, well except for my dinner last night, which was a step above dinner on Tuesday night. I made the mistake on Monday of buying hummus and now I've become obsessed, which wouldn't be so bad if the carb-o-holic in me that I am trying to reform didn't take over my body and have me consuming almost three servings of pita chips Tuesday night. So that was my dinner and while I stayed under points, I am not sure if nutritionally it was the smartest of choices. So I am dedicating myself into getting back on the boat and being disciplined in my workout for the rest of the week and also keeping my diet in check. I told myself if I want hummus from now on, I will be eating it with celery. So here are my two days food tracker.

As you can see, my diet on Tuesday sucked. On Wednesday during clinical, I was SO exhausted that I had to get a coffee. I was falling asleep during counseling group session. If someone is pouring out their emotions about how isolated and disconnected they feel from the world, you don't want to be the one snoring in the back. So it was a do or die situation. 

I am hoping to keep on this weight loss direction. I can't wait for the day my clothes are too big for me. Thing is, I was in such weight denial that I kept all of my clothes from before, even as I was gaining weight. My work skirts for example, were so tight that I wore it all the way at my waist, like way above my belly button so i could actually button it. So the below the knee skirts actually looked like just above the knee skirts. My pants would be so tight at the waist, Id have an indention in my skin and would have to undo it to sit down. but I refused to buy new clothes in a size 16 or *gasp* larger than that, which i suspect in some things, I really was. So I lived in a delusional state of extremely tight size 14 clothes that were starting to look very tattered. Oh, and instead of buying pants, I wore leggings constantly. That way, i could just be a size large. And, they are SUPPOSE to be tight, so they comforted my ever failing self esteem. Soooo, my clothes aren't falling off, BUT they are fitting where they are suppose to be right now and that feels awesome :). Also my husband can't keep his hands off me!! well okay, he always couldn't keep his hands off me but its been  to the extreme. He almost cupped my butt in church. I am like "CHRIS! COME ON!!!!" lol. And everyday he sees me, he is just like "man baby, you are looking GOOD! you are sooo fine! WOW! I can DEFINITELY see all your hard work! You are doing it girl!" and it makes me feel really good. He has never made me feel any less than beautiful EVER but to know that he can see the effort I am putting in and loving it, it just makes me feel like his trophy wife or something. And I want him to always be proud of the way I look and the way I carry myself. I want him to always steal glances at my butt, and despite the church butt grab, I secretly love that he can't help himself.  Every wife should want to be their husbands fantasy.  As I get closer to my goal weight, i would love to do a sexy photo shoot. I want to wear something I've always felt too big to wear in my shoot: garter belts and thigh high fish nets. YUP, that is definitely my goal weight prize :). 

Hope everyone is having a healthy week. I will now start lurking the Blogger pages of all my followers and those i follow!

Dinner

A pretty large hunk of chicken on a bed of spinach and a little Quinoa. I'm hungry...
(That is a small salad plate though)

4th week Weight Watchers weigh in and yup...Im mad.

Sigh. Okay,  I am mad. Yes, I know I am always mad. I am pretty sure that unless the scale says I lost a ridiculous amount of weight that week, Im always going to be slightly annoyed, so I apologize in advance.  But yes, Im mad. And Im only mad because I feel as though I did so much better than the loss I got. I mean all that running, and refraining, and discipline to lose... 1.8 pounds. Yup, thats all. Have you SEEN what I ate all week. Have you SEEN how many times I ran my ass off. And yes, 1 POINT 8 MUTHAFRICKIN POUNDS. HUH!?! Ughhhhhh!!!!!!!! Im pissy right now. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. Anyways, so the first month weight loss on weight watchers is.... 15.8 lbs. My weight right now is 198.8 lbs. I will say, HELLLOOOOOOO 100's!!! Wahooo!!!! Not too shabby. the huge first week helped me out. My goal is 9 lbs for the month of September. In fact, I will make it 9.2 lbs. I want to go ahead and get a 25 lbs loss. I know Its ambitious. I know its hard. I know some may say a little impossible but I am thinking I can do it. I KNOW I can do it. Looks like some more cardio, or maybe increasing my days to 5 days a week... which I was suppose to do a long time ago and didnt. Food wise, I need to change some things up. I need to add some more protein during the morning. Maybe i will make an omelet or protein shake. I feel like I am missing something out of my routine. This is a super tough week for me. I have another nursing exam this week. Last week I had an OB exam and this week it is Pediatrics. I haven't read at all for my Pediatrics. I truly have tons to catch up on! the book is SOOOO dry and the pages are as thin as bible pages. I think its written on gift tissue paper. Plus I have work, which i am missing tons of. Man oh man. Just trying to stay afloat. Pray for me.

Anyways, my mom just left after a 3 night visit. I loved having her over and Jonathan just absolutely loved having his grandmother at the house. It truly makes me wish she lived closer. I miss her so much. I can't wait for the holidays when I can see her again!  I am so grateful to have her in my life and Jonathan is beyond blessed to have her as a "Grammaw".   I wish I could win the lotto and just spoil my parents to pieces. They are just selfless and I love them so much. Hubby, My mom, Jonathan, and I went over to Danielle's yesterday as a labor day potluck and we had SO MUCH FUN! Everyone just talked and talked and talked and I can't wait for Chris and I can take Danielle's family down to Savannah for a long weekend sometime soon. With everyone's schedule, its so crazy getting the time but we will make it happen.

Anyways, here is my eating yesterday. I was very under in points because I saved my appetitie for dinner just in case and ended up doing great. I will do better this week.

Busy, busy, busy

I feel like holiday season came and went so quickly and that I haven't done a great job of blogging since Friday.  I truly enjoyed my weekend! Besides feeling great about reaching a personal goal on the treadmill, I managed to eat really well these past couple of days. Yesterday we went to Golden Corral after church. Typically, a trip to Golden Corral would entail me consuming large quantities of macaroni cheese, mashed potatoes, corn, fried okra, hot buttered rolls and dessert.  Well I shaved that down CONSIDERABLY and left feeling only satisfied, not stuffed and full...which lets be real, is the only reason you go to a buffet, right? Ugh, I was robbed. People should be charged a diet fee. lol.

Anyways, I have to study so I will have to write something more substantial during lecture tomorrow. Make great choices everyone!! WEIGH IN TOMORROW! YIKES!!!

I gotta long way to go

Two miles in 24 minutes 39 seconds. Whew! Gotta challenge trying to hit 23 minutes. But i wanted to stop at 1.84 and kept going. Happy Labor Day all!

Dinner tonight

Chicken Rollatini! Yum

I effin DID IT!

BAM!!!!!! THERE IT IS!!!! I DID IT! YIPPEEE!!!!

I HIT MY GOAL OF 11 MINUTE MILE! Not only did I hit it, but I BEAT IT BY 7 SECONDS!! WHOOT WHOOT!!! I may have finished looking like this:

BUT THE POINT IS I FINISHED!!!! I DID IT. I FRICKIN DID IT!!!!!!!

Whew, okay, now I will bring it down a notch, but I have to truly say that I am proud of myself today. When I started this journey almost a month ago, I hoped I would still be dedicated to this lifestyle change but as many times I have started and finished a diet in the past, in the back of my mind, I had some doubt. Could I do it? Would I do it? I still have so much longer to go but I've come this far. They say it takes doing something for one month for it to become habit. Well this tuesday will be my 4th week. Do I LOVE going to the gym and getting my workout on? HELL NO. I fricking hate going. If being fat was sexy and healthy, I'd be HHHOOOOOTTTTTTT! But  I am motivated to go. I am wanting to change my life. Being this size isn't healthy and is a terrible example for my son. I want him to grow up knowing a healthy lifestyle. I want my husband and I to be around for him. If I get hit by a bus and lose my life early, then that is one thing. But I do NOT want to eat my way into an early grave. Eat my way into not being around for my grandchildren. Being in nursing school, I've seen so much. And its sad to say that more than HALF of the people in those hospital beds put themselves there. I am not talking about the unfortunate people who got breast cancer, pancreatic cancer, or any other type of diseases that is like a russian roulette game. I'm talking about the ones who are smokers for 20 years and now have COPD. Or those with Type 2 diabetic and still eat themselves silly because they think an insulin shot is their saving grace only to find out its not. My grandmother died way before her time. And I know it could have been prevented. It should have been prevented. Over 60% of those people with Type 2 Diabetes will die of some sort of heart related issue, such as a heart attack or heart failure. For my grandma, it was a heart attack in her sleep. Prior to giving birth because of the PCOS, I was actually prediabetic. I was put on Metformin at 27 years old. My sugar actually evened out after pregnancy so not on anything but but that is a scary thought. I am close to potentially having that in my life again. I need to fight for my health. I already have one strike against me with PCOS, I can't create a strike against myself because I want some damn fries. What sense does that make? Its just not worth it. Of course I will have things in moderation, when I am in a good place weight wise. Being healthy will afford me the ability to eat whatever I'd like every now and then, but not now. Right now, its important to stay healthy and strong. Stay focused. Reach my goal first. No shortcuts. NO SHORTCUTS.  I have a motivation in my soul that I've never had before. And its weird but I actually prayed for myself to be strong against my addiction to food. To be able to really and truly get fit. I am doing it day by day. Meal by meal. i won't promise to be perfect, but I do promise to try everyday. To ask myself before making a careless decision "IS IT WORTH IT?". At a weak moment, it may be Yes, but so far, its always been no. 

Anyways, here is my intake from yesterday. A little under but I did really well. Dinner was DELICIOUS!!!!!

My baby boy

I love this kid.