Tuesday, August 7, 2012

I'm fat... and I don't mean PHAT...

WHEW! Its been quite a while since my last blog and I do apologize because I promised to be more on the ball. To be honest, last week was a hot mess.  My husband has finally found the reason for his excruciating sciatic pain, which is a herniated disk. I had to take him to the Spine center at my hospital in order to get a steroid injection in his lumbar section. We were told he has a 50/50 chance for surgery, but we are praying about it and definitely going to do all we can to prevent surgery from happening. Between seeing that and seeing myself in pictures, I know that we need to truly make a lifestyle change.

I am fat.

There I said it. The world can see it, the scale tells me, my pants scream out in pain when I squeeze into them but I've been in complete denial. Its funny because I truly think I am slightly body dysmorphic...and not in the way that makes you work out, but the way that makes me think I look better than I really do.  I put on an outfit, I strut out my house, only to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and say OMG...is that me? Or to look at a photo and gape at the reality staring you in the face. It is bothering me. Bothering me alot. I hate that I allowed myself to get to this point. I never want to be at this point again. I want to feel confident for me. And my husband. He is such a beautiful, supportive man. He tells me every single day I am beautiful. I think he told me too much because I let myself go. I am trying to find me again. I decided to join weight watchers yesterday and now I am on a quest for health. TO have my own Jennifer Hudson story. I may never look like Beyonce, but I can look like me from three years ago. And I want to do it the healthy way. And healthy unfortunately means slow. I hate slow. But it must be done that way to ensure that I will keep it off. To ensure I wont take this practice as a fad. To really put effort in  changing my life. To learn how to eat. The women in my family have issues with food. We always have. My mother always had a poor self image and even to this day talks about her weight. She was anorexic when she was young. When I was in my last year of high school, I was ED-NOS with anorexic tendencies. My cousin suffered from bulimia. So did my sister, which ultimately caused her to have permanent heart issues.  I wanted to stop my unhealthy, non-eating tendencies but then I went in a completely different direction, especially during pregnancy.  I'm wanting to change my relationship with food. I have all the tools I need: An incredible supportive husband, a partner in crime with Danielle, and my own motivation.  Its a blessing to have a husband who calls you beautiful, despite of what you think of yourself. This should help me want to go slowly in the process. I no longer am in a relationship with someone who criticized the way I looked, even when I was a size 7 and small already! Nope, I've been so incredibly blessed. And I want to keep being a blessing to my husband. He is even on board to eating better...or so he says. We shall see when he gets squash spaghetti for dinner. lol.
I will be posting the most horrendous before picture of myself tonight. I forgive the burning of the eyes in advance. But like my friend Danielle says, we all go to start somewhere!

1 comment:

  1. I wish you all of the luck with Weight Watchers. I tried it before and it works you just have to be upfront and it will work.